It's surprising, but during exam time i actually feel like blogging more.
I was studying MNO (management organisation) and was provoked to stop work and start thinking about who i really was, who i've formed up to be (as of today). As i was going through the blogs, reading some last posts and reflecting over my past, i realised how much i've changed, some for the better, and disappointingly, for worse.
i remember being far more motivated in poly. Perhaps it was because there was less pressure there. Perhaps it was because the people in NUS are so freaking smart. Perhaps it was because i was doing design. Or maybe i've just gotten tired along the way. I read how much people learnt in class, and i felt as though i just didn't learn as much as i could have.
CS3216 brought back some life to me, but not all of it. I remember putting in so so much into the first project.. wanting to bring back to life my passion to just chiong for what i believed in. But by the end of the first project, i was exhausted. I didn't want to care anymore. Chiong so hard for what? No one else seemed to be chionging. Khoa was a huge encouragement. With him around, it felt like i wasn't alone. But it was so tired.
I carried that same sentiment with me to my WPF project. I'm sorry guys. I really shouldn't have. I was so tired of working for nothing, i just 'stopped my engine'. While Janus tried desperately to get the team working, we simply took our time to start up. Perhaps it was the individualistic way which i used to work in poly, or perhaps the way things turned out in the first project, but i lost a vital part in me - the ability to trust in my teammates. Thanks janus. I remember when you told me that 'we were a team', and it's ok because where i lacked, they would cover, it really struck me that i no longer believed in the rest of the team.
I was reading through my MNO notes, and MNO really slaps you in the face and tells you "hey, you really lack these qualities if you want to be a leader and team player". And yes, it makes me lose faith in myself. I need so many people to patch up the holes where i can't make it, but it seems as though i've got to first learn to learn to trust these same people. Forgive me, friends and teammates (and future friends and teammates as well), for my short temperedness, my overbearing assertiveness, and the distance that i unwittingly place in between us at times. To be really honest, when i'm being super assertive/disappointed that we didn't hit a certain standard, it's really because i believe that you guys have the ability to do more. And i'm just frustrated that i'm unable to bring out those qualities in you. It's something that i wish and hope i could learn. And i'm sorry for the extra pressure that i placed on [especially the wpf] team, the lack of tolerance, and the inability to trust.
It was really superb working with you guys (i don't think u'll see this, but ah, heck). Janus, Youming, Minh and of course Khoa, i had the most unforgettable experience working with 4 geniuses in their field. I hope to, in the future, have the chance to keep working with you guys someday, and i hope that you guys will tolerate and help me mature. I've still lots to learn!
Meanwhile, i need to find back that passion and those dreams... i still want to build an arty farty world after all....
On a lighter note, i've been looking for headphones! rants: WHY ARE HEADPHONES WITH GREAT SOUND SO SO UGLY?!?! i mean, what's with these designer guys?? can't they just design comfy and nice looking headphones with GREAT SOUND?? even good sound would cut it for me (considering i'm not gonna use it for studio music that much)... and those with great sound and look more decent are in the mid 500s!!! it's nuts!! *hates them* haha.. I mean, compare the two below!! One has nice sound, the other just looks better. DESIGN SELLS MAN!!! but i'm still gonna get one with decent sound lah.. gonna run down to adelphi someday to try it out. Anyone wanna headphone hunt too? :P Or headphone spree? hahahaaha..